The Weight We Carry: Paige Connell on Mental Load, Marriage, and Redefining Parenthood

​In a heartfelt and eye-opening conversation on Trust Me Mom, Paige Connell, mother of four and mental load advocate, sat down to unpack the invisible labor many women bear in their homes. From navigating resentment in her marriage to building a more equitable partnership, Paige's journey reveals critical insights into a challenge so many families silently face.

The Mental Load: An Invisible Burden

When Paige and her high school sweetheart became parents, she didn’t anticipate how the balance in their relationship would shift. What began as a subtle imbalance became overwhelming after the birth of their fourth child, made worse by the isolating effects of the pandemic.

“I realized I was drowning,” Paige shared. “I was carrying an unfair amount of the work required to manage our home and our kids’ lives.” She wasn’t alone in this. Many working mothers, especially in dual-income households, find themselves becoming the default parent, responsible not just for doing, but for remembering, anticipating, and organizing.

Understanding the Mental Load

The key to reclaiming balance in her marriage came when Paige discovered Fair Play by Eve Rodsky. It provided the vocabulary and validation she needed. “It wasn’t about a to-do list - it was the invisible load,” she emphasized. “It’s checking the diaper bag, remembering allergy-friendly snacks, managing calendars.”
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Her husband, like many partners, was willing to help - if only she’d tell him what to do. But that was the problem. “The issue wasn’t his willingness. It was the structure: I was the project manager delegating tasks. That’s still a job.”
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When Good Men Get Defensive

Many women hit a wall when raising these concerns. Men often become defensive, which can derail progress. Paige admitted that her husband’s initial defensiveness was tough. But she came to see it as a human reaction to criticism, not necessarily a sign of unwillingness.
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The turning point was when they used the Fair Play card game. They listed tasks and divvied them up on a spreadsheet. The results were stark: Paige had over 60 tasks to his 15. “It took away the bias,” she said. “We could both see the imbalance clearly.”

Money, Time, and Fairness

One of the most frequent objections women hear is that their partner “works more” or “makes more money,” and therefore shouldn’t have to contribute equally at home. Paige was firm: “You can’t earn your way out of being a parent and a partner.”

In her household, equity meant assessing time, not income. “My husband may work 50 hours, but I’m with the kids alone for 40. We look at the entire week, paid and unpaid labor, when deciding what’s fair.”

Mom as the CEO of the Home

Paige pointed to how often women are expected to be the CEO of the household. Even when partners say “just tell me what to do,” the responsibility of overseeing, remembering, and following up still falls on them. This manager-employee dynamic, she warned, breeds resentment - and resentment is “cancer for a marriage.”
She illustrated this with the classic “nag paradox”: a woman asks her partner to do something, reminds him, and then gets labeled as nagging when he drops the ball. “You’re holding all the accountability with none of the support.”

The Corporate Trap: When Work Isn’t Built for Caregivers

Paige also reflected on her professional life. “I don’t take advice from men who say ‘grind harder’ when there’s clearly a woman doing the caregiving in the background,” she said. Her critique of corporate norms runs deep.
The lack of paid parental leave, affordable childcare, and equitable PTO policies means women are often penalized for being mothers. “There’s a motherhood penalty and a fatherhood bonus,” she explained. “When men become dads, their salaries increase. Women? They’re passed over.”

And unlimited PTO? Paige warns it’s a trap. “It sounds flexible but leads to people -especially women - taking less time off because there are no guardrails.”

Changing the Conversation at Home

Paige’s tips for overwhelmed mothers were both empowering and practical:

1. Educate Yourself: Learn the language. Understand what mental load is and why it matters.
2. Make It Visible: Use tools like the Fair Play game or spreadsheets to document who does what.
3. Set Goals as a Couple: Decide together what equity looks like for your family.
4. Prepare for the Talk: Don’t spring it on your partner. Come with clarity and a plan.
5. Start Small but Honest: Validate your experience. This is difficult and emotional, but worth it.
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She offers a free guide and an audio course, How to Talk to Your Partner About the Mental Load, which helps women build confidence to initiate these vital conversations.

Redefining Parenthood
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Paige challenges the myth that kids naturally gravitate toward moms. “If dads were equally involved, kids would ask for them too,” she insists. Her children often choose their dad just as often because he’s been present, loving, and hands-on since day one. “Caregiving isn’t about biology. It’s about showing up.”

​For more information, listen to the podcast episode with Paige where she breaks down the everyday weight women carry, and how to begin to set it down.